Cut the Shit

Back from my weekend at home and sitting at my desk…

Unfortunately, this weekend didn’t turn out the way that I thought it would. I was so excited to be with my parents and so excited to be out of NYC that I really believed getting away would be the best release. And to tell the truth, the first 10 minutes of the trip was indeed that way.

After we finished dinner on Friday night, my dad informed my mother and I that he had something he needed to tell us. In unison, we all lit up cigarettes and listened to my dad tell us how my brother has received new “orders” and will be shipping out to Baghdad on Easter Sunday. Originally, we were told that he would be a part of a “peace-keeping” mission and that he wouldn’t go to war for at least a couple more months. According to my father, my brother burst into tears on the phone with him and went on and on about how scared and angry he is at this war. He was so together about it before, but now that it’s becoming a reality, he doesn’t want anything to do with it. He doesn’t want to fight. He doesn’t want to kill. He is the boy we knew he was all along.

Hearing that Winfield is so upset and frightened made us even that much more depressed. After my dad relayed the news to us, my mom immediately started to cry. The news hit me like a ton of bricks and all I could was sit there stone-faced and stare at my father, the words going in one ear and out the other. I had no idea how to comprehend the idea that my little brother would be going to Baghdad.

We sat and discussed the scenario for a little bit and then we all agreed that it would be best to put it out of our minds for the rest of the evening. Winfield was to call on Saturday and we would discuss it with him then. Slowly, but surely, we got drunk and had a good time together.

When I went to bed on Friday night, I watched my usual 15-minute dosage of CNN to catch up on any developing news that I might have missed. I ended up sitting on my bed, wracked with sobs for a very long time. I was so angry and frustrated and I felt as though I wanted to tear my bedroom up into a million pieces. It took all the strength I had not to destroy everything in arms reach. The pain and anguish I felt was so intense. As the tears flowed, I clenched my hands as tight as I could, punched my legs over and over, and well, did whatever I could to make the pain go away. Eventually I burned myself out and I lay down exhausted from allowing all of this emotion to flow out of my body.

On Saturday, we did in fact go see a movie and out to dinner. It was a nice day, but each one of us was carrying a heavy heart the entire time. Winfield didn’t end up calling and we assumed that he was too upset to talk to us.

Just before we left for the movie, we were all sitting in my living room watching TV. Out of nowhere, my mom starts crying and crying. She kept saying: “This hurts too bad. I don’t think I can do this. What are we going to do??” My dad remained calm and somehow I managed to keep my act together too. We let her cry herself out and comforted her in the best way that we could. Watching my mom cry in desperation was one of the worst moments I have ever had in my life. She seemed so helpless and afraid. And it was exactly how I was feeling. Eventually, my mom pulled herself together and we all hugged each other for a very long time. I said: “We have to stick together on this. No one can deal with this alone.”

Saturday night was probably the most relaxing time of the whole weekend, but it was still filled with underlying anxiety. I went to bed at 11:30pm and watched mindless TV until I could finally fall asleep.

Yesterday was tough.

I had lunch with my parents before I left to go back to NYC. They made tacos, cuz they know how much I love them. I don’t know how I found the appetite, but I did and ended up shoving my face with a lot of Mexican before I got on the train. When I hugged my mom goodbye, we held each other for longer than usual. She told me to call her if I ever need to talk. She told me that she loves me more than I will ever know. She told me to be safe. And then I turned and left the house.

My dad picked up Mariah and we went to the train station. The mood in the car was rather somber, but we got through it. Mariah could tell that something was up, but waited until I said goodbye to my dad to inquire about it. My dad, like my mom, held me for a long time at the train station. The tears threatened to overwhelm me, so I kissed him and said goodbye. I turned and walked away without looking back.

I informed Mariah of the latest news and she was incredibly supportive. We only spoke about it for a couple of minutes as I found that I couldn’t keep my shit together. She hugged me for a bit and then we decided to get some beer on the train. For the ride home, we did our best to make up games and laugh. It worked for the most part, but the minute I got off the train, I just wanted to get into bed.

I walked from Port Authority in the rain. The last place that I wanted to be was in NYC. If I could have found any excuse for staying in Albany, I would have. I can’t stand the thought of my parents having to go through all of this alone. I can’t stand having to be separated from them during this time. Winfield is the love of our lives and I know that the only thing any of us want right now is for things to go back to being normal.

I got home around 7pm and immediately went to my room.

I called my parents as soon as I walked through my bedroom door and they informed me that my brother’s leave date has been postponed again. He is tentatively leaving on May 10th now. GOD! I was relieved, but also exasperated at this stupid ARMY that breaks your heart 50 times before they actually break it for real. My parents were very positive on the phone and told me that the later he goes into battle, the better chance there is for his safety. They also told me that Winfield worked 15-hour days on both Saturday and Sunday and that was the reason for his not calling.

And I guess that’s about it.

I feel like I am made of glass today. I am barely holding it together. The only thing I want is to be left alone. I feel warn down and I think that if I am pushed in any way, I might break and fall apart completely. The last thing I want to do is talk about any of this with any of my friends. My Uncle Brad just called to talk about the California plans for this summer and I had to tell him that today was not the day to discuss it. I got the feeling that he felt bad having me push him off, but I just didn’t want to talk.

I plan on leaving work tonight and spending the evening with Paul. He is the only person I want to see right now. Maybe after I reconnect with him, I will feel a bit more rejuvenated. He is the only person that I want to hug me and he is the only one that I want to cry to. If I didn’t have him right now, I don’t know what I would do.

The war has only been going on for two weeks yet my emotions feel stretched to the limits, as though it has been going on for months. I am worried and I am sad. I feel helpless and like I can’t get control over anything in my life. When all I want to do is protect my brother, I find that I can do nothing, but pray.

My mom said one thing this weekend that struck me so deeply. She said: “Without faith in God, how would we ever be able to deal with this?”
And she is so right. If I didn’t have God to go to and to count on, there would be no way that I could look at any of this in a positive light. God is in control and I have to trust that his plan will be done. He will protect Winfield and he will keep us all sane.

But for now, I don’t want to talk about it.

For now, I want to heal myself from the inside out.

FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDA KAHLO

Rock out! I leave in an hour to go to Port Authority. I am very VERY excited to go home this weekend. Not leaving the city since Christmas has really taken its toll on me. I think this may have been the longest I have ever gone without leaving the 5 boroughs. And with the spring weather hitting us, I am even more excited to be in the fresh, open, Albany air. Gosh, the boner I am sporting is HUGE. YAY.

Tonight is “Wasted Night” with my parents. Tomorrow, we are going to the food court in the mall and then off to watch a movie. My parents love the food court in the mall and I must admit, so do I. I can get a slice of pizza, french fries, and tacos all at the same time! I mean, DAYIM!
There doesn’t seem to be too much showing this weekend as far as cinema is concerned. My parents have these free movie passes they use and sometimes “Hoyts” blocks the newest movies that come out for at least two weeks. So, we are going to try to see “The Core”, although I must admit that it looks cheesified. What are the other options? “How to Lose a Guy in 10 days” or “Bringing Down the House”, which will probably be what we end up going to if “The Core” is blocked. My mom loves Steve Martin (as do I) and I am just in love with that Queen Lateef! She can do no wrong in my eyes.

I will stay up late, sleep late, and eat eat eat. Oh Joe, like you need to eat anymore than you already do. I mean, the fly on my pants isn’t FULLY busted yet, so why not keep going??

Things with Paul and I are going so well that it’s almost as though we just started dating. Last night he calls me at 6:30pm to see if I was getting ready to go out. I told him that I was “taking a nap” to get ready and he said that he was doing the same. I then hinted that maybe we could not go out and just hang at my place and have dinner. He totally went for the idea! I was shocked. Paul has one night a week that he can go out and drink and he gave up his one night to be with me, alone. I was very happy to say the least.

Paul arrived at my apartment at 7pm and we ordered ourselves some dinner. We also made an oatmeal cookie that is easily the size of Kansas. We spent the night watching “Must see TV” and eating ourselves into an oblivion. Just the way we like it! Our night was filled with laughter and small kisses and hugs. I felt calm, relaxed, and so happy. As we fell asleep, we were suctioned to each other like literal peas in a pod. It was so great.

I woke up this morning at 6am, from having a terrible nightmare (as I have been having just about every night these days), and Paul turned over and asked me if I was ok. I told him that I had a bad dream and he wrapped his body around me until I fell back to sleep. It was wonderful.

At 9am, Paul left my place and I got into the shower. When I returned to my room to get dressed, there was a little note on my bed that said: “Have a great weekend with your parents. I can’t wait to spend more time with you. I love you so much Joseph.”

If things keep going the way they are, I will really feel as though our relationship is going to achieve levels that I was previously sure were impossible to reach. When Paul wants to be this much a part of our relationship, I fall in love with him over and over again, every single day.

Basically, when things are going well with Paul, everything else in my life seems to go much better.

So this morning, as I am getting on the subway at Columbus Circle, this lady (who I don’t think was homeless, but was definitely dirty looking) gets on through the same doorway entrance that I use. We stand on the subway together, holding onto the same pole and just before she gets off at 86th street, she turns towards me, looks in my eyes, and screams: “BALK!” in my face. I jumped out of my skin and backed away from her. She turns and exits the subway and I move back to the pole I was holding. As the doors to the subway close, she turns to face me, points her finger in my face and goes: “BALK!”

I was pissed at her for screaming “balk!” at me again, so I burst out laughing in her face. I just laughed and laughed and as the subway started to move out of the station, she kept going “BALK BALK BALK BLAK” while watching me through the windows. It was SO WEIRD!
Cuz what is BALK?? And why am I balk?

I decided that I hate balk.

In other news…my shoulder is getting much better. The pinched nerve is slowly working its way out. I can almost turn my neck all the way to the left AND I can get out of bed on my own now. I don’t need Paul to pull me up by my arms. I figure that it will be fully healed by next week. Then I can start masturbating upside down with hooks hanging out of my eyelids, like I usually do.

Ok, shit’s getting strange in here now. I am going home.

(HEY DOV!)

Alright, have a great weekend y’all. Be back soon with more stories of how scary, dirty ladies call me “Balk!”

It’s almost the weekend and I am very happy!
(I wrote that in a singsong voice, but when I just read it aloud it came across boring. Sing that first line to the tune of “na-na-na-na-na-na” oh god nevermind. Trying to describe the tune of a song in words is fruitless. And I only deal with the fruitful!)
Anyhoodle…
I am really excited to go home tomorrow. In fact, that is a complete understatement! I am MADD excited to go home tomorrow. Mothers Against Drunk Driving has nothing on me! The weather has been unbelievable lately and every time I get off the subway at work I smell the Hudson River in the air and that makes my insides go all mushy. (cuz the Hudson River runs from my work all the way up to my neighborhood) I love the suburbs. How could I not? I spent 21 years of my life in them. So going home tomorrow, when the weather is amazing is just about the best thing on the planet. My parents and I will have some wine while sitting on our deck in lawn chairs and we will breathe the fresh and clear air of Albany, NY. Cept we will also be smoking our brains off and that makes the air not so fresh. EITHER WAY YAY!

When I spoke with my mom earlier today, she asked me how I would feel about having buffalo chicken roll ups for dinner tomorrow night. “But mom, what are buffalo chicken roll ups?”
Moms: “They are buffalo chicken sandwiches rolled up into something that resembles a pita pocket. But it’s not pita and instead of a pocket, there is a ton of blue cheese in it”.
Joe: “YUM!”
Moms: “So what do you think? Do you want to have that for dinner?”
Joe: “YUM!”
Moms: “So…hmm….do you want to have it??”
Joe: “YUM!”
Moms: “Joe, do you want to have this for dinner or not?”
Joe: “YEM!?
Moms: “What’s ‘yem’ mean?”
Joe: “It means YUM!”
Moms: (hysterically laughing) “So you haven’t answered my question…do you want this for dinner or not?”
Joe: “Moms, I think I have answered your question already.”
Moms: “Okay fine. So we will have buffalo chicken roll ups.”
Joe: “SICK! Who could eat such a thing?!?!”
Moms: “But you just said ‘YEM’!”
At this point, I couldn’t stop hysterically laughing at the fact that she can’t stop saying “yem”, so I say:
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You said YEM! Buffalo Chicken Rolls ups sound amazing.”

I can’t wait to see this woman. Both her and my dad make me happier than anything else.

So LAST NIGHT Paul took me out to dinner at Leshkos in the East Village. We had THREE COURSES! It was a BIT ridiculous as to how much we ate, but after we left, I asked him if we could stop for dessert. Paul reminded me that we just finished a brownie sundae and a cheesecake and I reminded him that I was doing my best to grow up into a fat beastie, and he said that I could have butter cookies when we got home. I said “ok” and ate 37 of them the minute I got the chance.

We both laid in bed farting and clutching our stomachs for at least an hour before falling asleep.

In other news…had lunch with my boss today. Thought that I was going to be yelled at for one reason or another, but instead I had two glasses of wine and waxed philosophical about whatever shit came into my mind. I always think that lunch with my boss is going to be some big and scary thing, but every time it turns out that he just wants someone to sit with him and talk for an hour. Eh…fine with me.

Tonight I am off to “THE HOLE” to pay $10 for all I can drink. Want to know something weird? When I just typed “THE HOLE”, I said the words to myself in a very deep and scary voice. I was like the HOLLLE. Then I laughed at myself. Yeah, it was pretty weird.

Ok…I have been doing TOO MUCH playing today and now I have about 3 piles of work to get done before I go home. Maybe something exciting will happen tonight and then tomorrow I can relay stories of drunken sex and debauchery. Are sex and debauchery the same thing? Hmmm…either way, I hope they both happen to me tonight.

ROCK!

Well ladies and gentleman, it turns out that I have a pinched nerve in my left shoulder. The specialist I met with this morning felt around my back and told me that I am all jammed up. He said that I have knots upon knots in my back and that I need to start changing my sleeping and relaxation patterns. No more double pillows, that’s for sure. He said that I also need to find a way to relax, that most of the tension in my back is because of stress. Makes sense I guess. I mean, I did just move to Times Square, Rita did just leave, and the war is ripping my heart out, so yeah, thanks Dr. Swayzer, you are a genius.

I have stretching exercises that I need to do and I can take as much Aleve as necessary. When I asked about getting a prescription for a REAL pain reliever, he told me that I would have to go to my primary healthcare physician to get that. Harumph, I said. Harumph. But at least I feel better knowing that what is going on in my back is normal and not some alien tumor that would require weeks and weeks of intensive surgery. MMMMMMMMM….surgery. In some ways, that could be nice.

Despite my crumbling back, I managed to meet Mariah and Rachel out for a drink. I only stayed an hour, but found that vodka tonics and champagne cure all pain. I was laughing and moving my neck all over the place. Then as I stopped drinking, the pain came back and I made the girls take me home. I rewarded them with some marijuana and all was good.

SO! Paul and I have settled on a vacation place. We will be going to Freeport in the Bahamas! Whoo hoo! We put down our deposit today and will be gone from July 26th – August 2nd. I have decided to go to California sometime in September or October, depending on when my uncles are visiting the East Coast. Maybe Paul will even be able to go with me then. If not, I am still very excited to get out to San Francisco. And with my uncles paying for it all, who cares who goes? I got a ticket to ride dawg!

The condo we are staying in is beautiful. It’s a block from the beach and a block from nightclubs, an international bazaar for shopping and restaurants, restaurants, restaurants! There is even a place on site that allows us to swim with the dolphins. How could that be any better!?!?!

YAY! I have never been out of the country. This is my first attempt at being a traveler and I am most excited. Paul and I have been doing very well these days and that allows me to have some sense of relief when it comes to planning this adventure. We have had really good conversations lately and he has been actually “trying” to be a good boyfriend. I have not let any of his effort go unrecognized and when he gets stressed out and reverts back to his old ways, I take a step back and allow him to decompress.

We still have yet to dive into our physical relationship again, but I am hoping that that will pick up again in no time. Paul doesn’t like “touching” when we are angry with each other. And for the last 3 months, there has been a lot of anger. But since our huge fight a couple of weeks ago, he has been slowly making progress. And I am so much happier for it.

Mariah leaves for Florida next Wednesday. (sad face) She will be gone for a month! What am I ever going to do? I mean, I have 3 friends in the city as is, and now with her gone, I will have two. Heh heh heh doh. (sad face again) Mariah has decided to go home this weekend and in lieu of me having no life and constantly spending money, I have decided to do the same. (I get a free train ride out of the deal, cuz her dad has connections with Amtrak.) Last week, my mom was talking to me about my brother and the war and she had to get off the phone because she started to cry. She doesn’t like to break down about things that she knows I am struggling with, even though I want to be there for her as much as she always is for me.

So this weekend, I will be with her.

The minute I told her I was coming, she got off the phone, called my dad, and then called me back with minute by minute plans of what we would do. They want to play cards and drink on Friday and then Saturday we will go tanning, out to dinner and rent a movie. If possible, we may play tennis too, but with my pinched nerve, who knows about that? Maybe I will just sleep in late on Saturday so they can go play tennis. I’m not much for moving around when I don’t have to. (snicks) I haven’t been home since Christmas and I am sick with myself for that. My parents live for me to be home and I live for seeing them, so what’s been the problem? Ouch my back. Oh yeah, stress has been the problem.

So that’s that.

Ugh. I just got off the phone with Mariah. We had an intense discussion about Rachel that ended up with her in tears. I have a tendency not to hold back when I have an opinion on something and since Mariah cares so much about what I say to her, sometimes my honesty is a bit hard to bear. I just have a very hard time hanging out with Rachel and Mariah. Rachel spends the whole time telling Mariah that she is “stupid” “worthless” and “wasting her time”. My teeth gritted through most of the evening as I struggled not to vocalize the anger at Rachel that was steadily building in me all night long. A best friend shouldn’t tear down another best friend the way that Rachel does to Mariah. And really, this is just the beginning to how deep their problems go. Ultimately, Mariah got off the phone thankful that we had had the talk, but I still worry about her and her capability with dealing with someone who is as vicious as Rachel. Gosh, it’s tough. I just love her so much and hate to see her being treated poorly. Gosh, it kills me inside.

Okay, off to date night with Paul. As long as he doesn’t have to work tonight, we are planning on going out to a nice dinner in Chelsea. Last week’s dinner was great and I am hoping for some of the same. And I love being able to spend the night with just him. Our naked bodies writhing in oh yeah…no writhing.

Alright, time to go shit.

OUCH! Fucking ouch.

Somehow I have managed to completely throw out my back. I have had these overwhelmingly painful knots in my shoulders for about two weeks and now my back has finally given up. Yesterday I stayed home from work, for a number of reasons, most of which had nothing to do with my back hurting. I met Mariah at 3pm for a quick lunch at “Dallas BBQ” (DAYIM was that good…and I thought about my Rita the whole time…she loves BBQ) and played with the baby she is the nanny for. It was a great time, but in the middle of lunch, my back seized up on me. I said goodbye to her and crawled onto the subway.

To my wonderful surprise, Paul was in my bed waiting for me when I got home. I climbed in next to him and lay there stiff as a board for about 2 hours. At 8pm, we decided to start making dinner, cept I couldn’t move at all. Paul helped me to my feet and I stood there like a statue. Each movement sending coursing pain through my arms and down my spine. It was awful. Paul made dinner for me and even went to Duane Reade to get me some “Ben Gay”. I laid in bed and ate his wonderful dinner and then he slathered me up with that peppermint smelling nonsense. Lo and behold it did help a bit, but after two hours, the numbness started going away and the searing pain set in again.

Paul and I spent the evening with him at my computer (picking out vacation spots) and me in bed not moving an inch. We decided that, if financially possible, we will go to the Caribbean this summer. Our first choice was St. Thomas, second choice St. John’s, third choice Jamaica and so on and so forth. Unfortunately, we can’t try to book the condo until mid-May. Which is completely irritating for someone like me who has to have everything planned to the minute, months in advance. I guess I just have to be patient.

Had a great weekend. Saw the movie Dreamcatcher with Kelly and we had a wonderful brunch at the famous Playwright Tavern. Then we went to the park and read our books for awhile. It was a beautiful day and I had such a great time. Saturday night I went out with Joanna and Rachel and had a surprisingly good time with them. Then I met Paul at his job and had a few glasses of extremely expensive champagne. Then I met Kelly at home and we went to an Irish pub at 2:30am to have a couple nightcaps. It was such a random evening. I spent $40 and went to 5 different bars. I guess that’s what happens when your Rita leaves and you have to meet people at their places of fun in order to do anything. I need some more friends and ASAP!

Oooooooooooooooooh my back!

Everything else is going pretty smoothly these days. I did get one good piece of news! Turns out that I overpaid my mom $220 this month on the bill I owe her. Don’t ask me how I did it, cuz it’s ridiculous. But in any case, she told me that I just paid one month in advance. Which means (!!!) I have money for my taxes now! WHOO HOO! Leave it to me to balance my checkbook never and then somehow save my own ass. Rock out. That made me happy.

Alright, I can’t even type anymore, my back hurts that bad.

I will be back tomorrow and hopefully in one more solid piece.

ouch.

Today I write this while playing a little game with myself.

You see, I have to piss so bad that my teeth ache. Yet, I want to get this down in here before I leave work cuz Lord knows I won’t be able to write again tonight. What with the HUGE plans I have. I mean, making dinner and watching movies. Now those are plans that are unparalleled to anything anyone else is doing.

Man I’m a pathetic loser.

SO! Instead of going out last night, Kelly, Paul and I sat in his apartment and had a few drinks while watching the war coverage. It wasn’t really the BEST time I have ever had, but it was nice to be able to get a few things off my chest. I think that Kelly felt the same way too. We were all able to discuss the different aspects of what is going on around us and I know that after all was said and done, I felt much better having released some of the tension that had been building in me throughout the day. Eventually Kelly fell asleep on the couch and I made the mistake of telling Paul’s roommate, Jen, that “one time I sucked a dick so big that it was almost impossible to breathe”. I come out of Jen’s bedroom having made this ridiculous comment, and Paul is scowling at me from the kitchen. I was immediately pissed that he was turning our easy night into yet another fight filled extravaganza.

And that’s what it became as we argued for at least an hour.

He was mostly pissed that I wouldn’t go out with him and get drinks. It was his one night off and he wanted to spend it in a skank bar. I have no problem drinking and staying home. It’s more comfortable, much cheaper, and easy. But Paul bitched about staying in all night long. Eventually we ate some cereal and climbed into bed. I didn’t want to fight with him and eventually I just gave up trying to explain myself and my big mouth.

He called me this morning to tell me how much he missed me. So no hard feelings, I guess. I told him that we would go out late tomorrow night to make up for last night. He seemed pretty happy about that. I was just glad that he shut his fat head up for once. LAMESKI.

Oooh! The piss is creeping out the slit of my dick now. Ok phew. I just clenched my dick shut with my fingers. I think I bought myself some more time.

Gosh, totally at a loss as to what to write today. My night was pretty uneventful, I don’t feel like discussing the war anymore, and I don’t have diarrhea. What else do I usually write about? I have had to resort to discussing my urine. Man, why would anyone want to sit down and read this nonsense?
oh yeah, cuz I’m hot.

Alright, I will tell a story.

Here we go…

One time, when I was like 16 years old, one of my family members got the Saved By the Bell board game. Now of course I LOVED this TV show and watched it religiously until I turned 22 years old. The only reason I stopped watching it at that point is because they began showing it during the day when I was at work. And I just don’t DO the “New Class”. I mean, give me a break cuz I sure need one. (man, I still miss Nell Carter pretty bad)
SO! I was incredibly in love with AC Slater. Cuz dayim what a body he had. Well, in the board game, all of the different cast members had their own photo cards: Jessie, Lisa, Zack, Screech, Kelly, and Slates all had like 3 different photos. One of Slater’s photos was with him with his shirt off. All beefed up and ready to take me home to fuck me, or so I fantasized.

Well, I ended up stealing this photo of AC and I hid it under my mattress in my bedroom. I would pull it out every once in awhile and stare at it longingly. (oh god, am I really telling this story?) One day, as I sat staring at the picture of AC, I decided to masturbate to the picture. I laid down on my bed and pulled out my cock and balls. I began jerking and jerking and imagining Slater picking me up in his arms and carrying me to his big bed where he would most likely get me pregnant. hahahahaha. My baby would have had a jerry curl.

So as I am jerking feverishly on my bed, the door to my room suddenly swings open so fast and so abruptly that I yelped and sat up trying to hide the fact that I was jerking off. My dad stands there looking at me and IMMEDIATELY swings the door shut. Silence. My eyes grow SO WIDE and my heart starts beating out of my chest. A few more seconds pass and then I hear my dad’s quiet little voice outside my bedroom door.

“Joe, do you know what you would like for dinner?” Dad says.
“Oh, er…um..(MY GOD WHAT HAS HAPPENED!!!)…I don’t know. Whatever you are making….” I reply.
“Well, do you want corn or peas with your steak?” Dad tries again.
“Oh gosh, um, you see, I…uh (FUCKING LEAVE!!!), well…corn!” I say.
“But I thought you liked peas better?” Dad says.
“FINE PEAS! FINE! I’LL EAT WHATEVER YOU MAKE!” Me totally exasperated
“Ok…” Dad says.
----SILENCE for a couple more seconds----
“Are you okay in there?” Dad says
(IS HE FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!?) “YES! I am fine! I am just kind of tired!” I say.
“Okay then. Be ready for dinner in 15 minutes.” Dad says.
“Yeah, sure dad.” I say while trying to possibly think of a way to leave my home and never return.

My dad walks down the hallway and returns to the kitchen. I sat there stunned and shocked with my pants down around my ankles and my knees huddling against my chest. Did my dad actually just catch me masturbating??
DID HE?!?! And did he see me clutching the AC Slater photo card while doing it??!!?!?!

I decided to finish masturbating. Cuz at this point, I needed to finish what I had started.

After I cleaned up my jizz, I joined my family for dinner. My face was beat red, but no one said anything. My dad did look at me a little funny for a couple of days, but I think eventually he forgot that it had happened. About a year ago, I brought up the incident to him and he says that he doesn’t remember catching me masturbating. But he does remember walking in on me while I was rolling around on my bed naked. I reminded him that I was NOT NAKED and also that I obviously was masturbating. His reply was: “Well, I don’t know WHAT you were doing, but it sure was weird.”

And that’s that.

I can assure you that from that point on, I became much more careful about when and where I decided to make love to myself.

This story has not been elaborated on or exaggerated in any way. I am really this big of a loser.
But hot. Always hot. Never forget that I am hot. WINKLES!

aRdios!

TIME TO PISS! YAY I WON THE GAME!

So it has happened huh?

The war has begun.

I don’t know about you, but I knew it was going to happen all along. I think anyone with a military family knew that this was going to happen all along. Many of my friends had kept hope that this would just blow over, but as the months went by, it was pretty much inevitable that there was no other solution to this situation.

Last night, as I sat and watched the coverage on NBC, I was shocked at the realism of this entire thing. Being able to see Baghdad and the activity that was going on around the city was terrifying. While I wanted nothing more than to switch the channel, I joined America in watching history being made. About 30 minutes into the live coverage, I lost my mind. Paul and I had been arguing over something incredibly stupid and as the tension between us escalated, I felt any sort of control I had over my emotions escape me. I started shaking uncontrollably and the tears just poured out of my face. “Why?” I kept screaming. “Why?!”

It was so overwhelming.

Paul immediately stopped yelling at me and moved over to sit next to me on the couch. He put his arm around me and I cried and cried and cried. He dialed my home phone number and I talked to my father. When my life spirals out of control, my parents are the people I want to talk to the most. My dad, having been in the military for over 27 years knows so much more about the world and war than I could ever imagine. Having retired as a Lieutenant Colonel just over 4 years ago, he is currently struggling with the fact that his old “unit” has been activated and deployed to the borders of Iraq. He is on the phone daily with numerous family members of those that used to serve under him. Regardless of the fact that he is no longer an active member of the United States Army, he is still the touchstone for a lot of people who have had their fathers, brothers, sisters, and mothers be sent off to war.
He is an amazing man.

So I called him and within 3 minutes and 37 seconds (according to the cell phone), my dad had wiped my tears, told me that the anxiety and upset that I was feeling was natural, and also that I have to focus on the fact that we are a strong army that will come out victorious. He and I fought the idea of this war together over the last 12 months; writing letters, signing petitions, etc. But now that we are at the point when “peace” is no longer an option, it is our duty as Americans to stand by our country and to support all those that are fighting on our behalf. My dad has a way of finding the right words to say within this delicate situation so that I don’t walk away hating either the US for their military action or Iraq for being such a belligerent, nasty country. I have told my dad before that he is my hero, and today, I feel it more strongly than ever.

Same with my brother.

I had a great talk with him today that was filled with laughter and joy. He is very optimistic about his position and while we are all afraid of the danger he is going to be put into, as long as he can hold himself together, I surely can too. I want every talk with him to be nothing short of positive. I ask him about his new girlfriend, his daily routine, and his friends. He asks me about my job, Paul, my friends, and my new apartment in Times Square. He is doing big and great things with his life right now and I have never been so proud of him. Nor so scared at the thought of losing him.

He got his Small Pox vaccine this morning. Turns out, the vaccine takes 3 weeks to take hold of your system. Until that time comes, he will have numerous side effects, most of which are pretty harmless. There is a chance of death after receiving this vaccine, though he and I are not worried about that possibility. He is more likely to have his Bradley (tank) blown up than he is to develop a deadly case of Small Pox. He says that no one can touch the spot where he got the shot until the scab falls off. If anyone comes in contact with this area, they will immediately develop this disease and if not treated immediately, this person would die. He also informed me that he is going to visit his girlfriend this weekend. When I asked him if he was going to have sex with her, he said “Fuck yeah”. I replied with “But Winfield, what if she rubs against your arm?”
Winfield: “Then I call 911.”
Me: “Well that’s pretty fucking dangerous, don’t you think?’
W: “Nah. I’m going to wear long sleeves.”
Me: “I think she’s going to get small pox from you.”
W: “Joe, I will be careful, I promise.”
Me: “Well, what if your scab falls off while you are visiting her?”
W: “Then I won’t be contagious anymore.”
Me: “Yeah, but what if she finds the scab in the bed and starts eating it?”
W: “What?”
Me: “What if you wake up and Nina is lying next to you, pensively chewing on the small pox scab that has fallen off your arm?”
W: “Then I would do two things. 1) I would dump her and 2) I would call 911”.
Me: “Oh. Ok.”

See, so Winfield and I are covering the basics while still trying to make eachother laugh. He is such a great kid. And he is making my family and myself so incredibly happy with how well he is doing with this whole ARMY thing. He is up for another promotion and is getting rave reviews from both his commanders and platoon. Plus, he has promised me that after he goes to war, he will be able to come home for a month’s worth of block leave. And then after that, he will have two years left until he is out of the ARMY. And at this point, he says that he wants nothing more than to do that and to settle into something more his style.

Thank God.

I will have my brother back.

But for now…for now I focus on him and on every person that has left their loved ones behind in order to fight for what we, as a country, believe is right. This is a scary time and as Paul said so eloquently last night “No one should be alone right now.” He then hung his grandfather’s American Flag outside of his window in support of our troops. I fell in love with him all over again.

Switching gears…

Guess what?

I don’t know if it’s because I sobbed my eyes out or what, but Paul and I kissed and kissed and kissed last night. We ran our hands and bodies all over eachother. It’s been two months since we have been intimate and last night was an amazing first step. We didn’t hook up to the point of orgasm, but it felt so good to have his hands running over my body again. I felt safe and I felt happy. He is still taking small steps when it comes to our physical relationship, but I am willing to work with him on this every step of the way. Just before we fell asleep, I said: “I want to have sex with you.” Paul’s arm tightened around my shoulders and he kissed me on the neck. It was a beautiful moment.
Very beautiful.

And then he fucked me. Hardcore style.

So anyway…tonight we are all going to “The Hole”. Nice name for a bar, huh? Nice and SKANKY. I have written about this place in my journal before. $10 for all the booze and sluts you can handle. It’s pretty slimy, but with the right people, a fucking blast. Kelly is spending the night at Paul’s place because she was pretty scared and upset being alone in Times Square last night. I don’t blame her at all. If something happens to NYC, Times Square is not the place I want to be in. Nor do I want to be in Harlem. But that’s just cuz.

Alright, off to lunch.

I just want us all to remember one thing.

No matter what your views on this war happen to be, we are all in it together. This is OUR country and whether we agree with everything the president does or not, we have chosen to make this a democracy ruled by the people. And the people have chosen to go to war. Feel how you want, but support those that risk their lives daily for your freedom.

Are you a smoker? Read this.

TGIW!

Week’s almost over, thank the Lord. I live for the day when I don’t care whether it’s a weekend or not. You know, the day when I am doing something with myself other than sitting at my lame desk from 9am-5pm. Gosh. I really can’t stand this life. I wonder what it feels like to be doing this type of thing every day for 40 years? I mean, shit. If that’s me, I think my brain will shrivel up and die before I ever get the chance to really use it.

I have the worst anxiety today. I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s because I am to meet up with a friend from highschool tonight after work. Or maybe I just feel off. I don’t know. Either way, I have caught myself grinding my teeth over and over. My jaw is aching from clenching down on my teeth all day. It’s weird when you do that without having any prior experience with it. My jaw only clenches shut when I do drugs. Which isn’t ever. So I sit here and rub my poor mouth and ask myself to please calm down.

When I woke up this morning, I thought “I can’t possibly go to work today”. I lay in bed dreading my life and eventually I decided to go in an hour late. I called my boss and told him that I was running behind and I closed my eyes for another hour, not sleeping. Eventually the nervousness that I felt about getting out of bed dissipated and I crawled out and got into the shower. I don’t know why I feel this way sometimes. Every day I deal with this emotional rollercoaster. However, some days, for no reason at all, I can’t control how I feel. It scares me and forces me once again into the realization that I need to go back on some sort of anti-depressant or anxiety reliever pill. Previous attempts at taking this type of drug failed miserably and it’s been a while since I have considered going back on them. Ugh. I just want to feel normal.

After work yesterday, I went home to take a nap. It was very exciting to get back into bed at 1:30pm. But then I couldn’t get back out. I lay there ALL DAY. Not doing anything. The harder I tried to get out, the more my brain resisted and kept me stuck there. It was incredibly lonely and eventually I just gave up and went to sleep around 9pm. The one thing I did do was make a nice dinner for myself. I whipped up this weird au gratin potato/chicken package that I had purchased at the store. It took about an hour to put together and tasted pretty good. But that’s it. That’s all I accomplished.

God, I just feel so helpless.

Why do I have such HUGE highs and then such DEEP lows? And why can’t I get my shit together so that I can fix it?

It’s frustrating not being able to control how you feel. Very frustrating. And the problem is, I feel this guilt as though I have done something to put myself in this position. And, well, I probably have. It’s like I need someone to come into my life and fix it. Cuz I don’t know how to do it on my own. I have been dealing with the same issues for over two years now and at this point I feel like I have no idea where to start repairing the damage that I have caused. When will I actually get the nerve up to DO something about this acting dream I have? When will I stop going right to bed as soon as I get home or conversely going out and getting drunk?

When you begin to really hate yourself, it’s almost impossible to find anything positive that’s worth changing for.

Some days I am okay.

Some days I can get out of bed just fine and go on with my life. Some days I feel empowered to take control. Some days I even do that which I didn’t think I could do the day before. ie: getting the job at the Gap. Or moving to Times Square.

But then I end up back in my bed, struggling to even put on my clothes the next morning. I get to work planning on working on my resumes and mailings. But the next thing I know it’s 5pm and I have done nothing to move myself forward.

Alright enough. Writing about all of this is not helping me see anything more clearly.

I need to pray now.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooof DAH!

Whoa what a night. I am more than lucky to have gotten out of bed today and made it into work. Thing is, I knew Ari had to go to the dentist and there was no way I could call in. I’m glad that I got my ass out of bed and came though. I wasn’t sleeping well and I think my body will heal faster if it’s out and about, rather than deteriorating in my bedroom. Cept now I am feeling as though my ass is about to explode with vodka tonics. EEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Okay, wave of diarrhea has passed. Goodness.

Left here at 5pm yesterday to meet Paul’s roommate, Jen, at a bar called the “Cubby Hole”. It was in the meatpacking district, which I don’t get to very often. I couldn’t (and still can’t) believe how beautiful the weather is. I feel like spring is actually here and it’s not even June yet! When the weather is like this, it makes me eternally happy and full of life. Makes me want to be healthier. Okay whatever, back to the ridiculous night I had.

So I get to the bar at 5:30pm and Jen is supposed to meet me there at 5:45pm. I finished the rest of my book and asked the bartender if he took credit cards. He said “no, we only take cash” and then I asked him if I could start a tab. He looked at me for a moment and then said “What would you like?” I ordered my first of 382 vodka tonics and as he was making the drink I noticed a sign that said: “ABSOLUTELY NO BAR TABS”. He gave me the drink and winked at me. Eventually it was 6pm and still no sign of Jen. I had finished my drink and the bartender comes over and we have this conversation:

Bartender: Would you like another one?
Me: I would, but I don’t have any sort of cash on me and my friend is running late.
Bartender: I trust you. Let me make you another.
Me: Okay, thank you very much. What’s your name?
Bartender: James. Yours?
Me: Joe.
Bartender: (extends his hand) Nice to meet you Joe.

I notice at this point that the bartender is pretty fucking adorable and I don’t know what to do with myself. He was at least 6”1 and had dark curly-esque hair and he was sporting two days worth of scruff. He was very lean, but his clothes were baggy and fell perfectly on his upper body and ass. He had an amazing smile and was the coolest guy in the place. I was in love.

After giving me my second drink, he added green food coloring to it and the smile on my face became HUGE. “Thank you so much for being so great to me…I truly appreciate it.” “No problem Joe. Happy St. Patrick’s Day.”

Around 6:30pm, Jen showed up and I paid for the drinks that were on my tab. She and I sat at the bar for another hour or so before her friend Dana showed up. Dana was interesting and I could talk about her in greater detail except that I would rather talk about James, my new love. Over the course of the night, I paid for 3 drinks total. That includes the 2 I had before Jen got to the bar. By the time I reached my 6th drink, I was starting to realize how drunk I was becoming. Yet I was VERY in control, as I wanted to look cool in front of the hot bartender. He gave me $5 and told me to play whatever I wanted on the jukebox. I did and I tried to pick songs that I knew he would like: John Mayer, Bob Dylan, *NSYNC…okay, so I HAD to throw one song in there for me!

I got back from the jukebox to find ANOTHER drink sitting at my seat.

“James, I’m not sure that I am ready for another one”, I said.
“It’s not from me this time, it’s from Steven. Want me to introduce you?” James said.

I look over to see who “Steven” is and am horrifically reminded of a 30 year old Edwin McCain. Completely NOT my type. Just…not. Because I am a polite gentleman, I went over and sat with Edwin for at least a half an hour. I can pretty much talk to anyone and I did my absolute best to make conversation with him. I asked him all about his job, his apartment, his interests… At no point did he even ask me what I did for a living. When I found out that he has been temping at Barnard College, I threw out the fact that I work at Columbia University. (SOMETHING WE HAVE IN COMMON, RIGHT??) No, he smiled and kept talking about himself. Well Steven, you didn’t have a chance before and you SURELY don’t have one now.

Steven goes into the bathroom and James walks over to me.
Adorable, cute, want to lick his face, James.
At this point he had put on a baseball cap and this little “duck tail” of hair was coming out of the hole in the back of it. I wanted to wrap my fingers around it and pull him in VERY close to me. And he was so much taller than me! I love that. (I am 5”8 ½ member?)

“James, if Edwin McCain or anyone else wants to buy me a drink, please tell them that I am not interested and that I only buy my own drinks.” I said.
“Did you just call Steven, Edwin McCain?”
“Yes.” (getting nervous cuz I think I insulted his friend)
“BOOOOO WAAAAAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That is so funny man!” James exploded.
(nervous giggling and realizing that I am sucking this MAN in) “I just don’t want to have to sit and talk to anyone else that I am not interested in.” I said.
“Oh, does Joe have a problem being so beautiful?” James said.
“hahahaha. Yeah, that’s definitely it. I am embarrassed at my devastatingly good looks.” I blushed.
“Well, there is a reason the guys here want to buy you drinks. You have this quality about you…” James said.
(heart in my chest) “Thanks James. That is really nice. I don’t know what to say.”

He winks at me and walks away.

I float on over to the table where Jen, Dana (and now Kelly) were sitting at. Kelly arrived during all of this commotion. I explained to them that I had just fallen in love at the bar and that I didn’t know what to do about it. Kelly handled it all with ease as she is used to me falling in love the moment I see a hot guy. A MANLY hot guy. Yum.

Jen goes “Just don’t let me see anything. I wouldn’t tell Paul, but what if you end up really interested in James?”
“I won’t. It’s just nice to be wanted for once. It feels nice to be single.” I said.

During the next 15 minutes, I glanced at James numerous times and most of the time he was looking back. Smiling, pensive, obviously thinking about me and what I was about.

I decided that I wanted to give him my number. Not for sex, but for someone cool to hang out with. Makes sense, right? It’s not like I would EVER give him my number because I was interested.
SIKE. I was TOTALLY INTERESTED and at that point, Paul was so backseat.

Kelly wrote out my phone number and I told her that I was going to give it to him and then we could take off and go home. I grabbed the piece of paper, got 3 steps towards the bar and stopped walking. Was I really into James? He was nice and he was absolutely hot, but am I in a relationship with Paul or not? How could I do this to him? How could I do this to him again? No matter what problems we have. The last thing he would do is give his number to another guy. The last thing he would do is cheat on me.

I turned around and shoved the piece of paper back into Kelly’s hand.

I went over to the bar and James told me to hold for one second.

I waited for him with a pained look on my face.

“What’s wrong buddy?” James said.
“Nothing, I just wanted to say thank you again for making this a great night for me.” I said.
“Never a problem. Glad that you hung around here with me for awhile.” James said while his smoldering brown eyes made my cock stir a bit.
“When do you work here? I would love to come back and see you?”
“I work (insert times) and would be very excited to see you again too.” James said.
“Then it’s settled. I will be back soon to visit.”
“Okay.” James said, pausing I THINK to ask for my number. “Well, um…now I don’t know what to say.” James said.
“I know. I’ll see you soon.” I finally said.
“Okay man. Take care. Have a good night.”

I shook his hand, looked in his eyes one last time, and left the bar.

Kelly and I went back to our apartment and Paul showed up about a half-hour later. We argued for another hour after that and I went to bed feeling shitty.

I do love Paul. I mean, I am still IN LOVE with Paul. But sometimes it feels good to be wanted. Paul still doesn’t want to kiss or hook up. He said last night that that is because he feels that we are really “off” with eachother. We fight so much that he doesn’t see how kissing or touching in the midst of that would be ok. I think it would help us to find our way back to who we used to be.

I didn’t tell Paul about James and I don’t plan on doing it any time soon. It was a moment that I had for myself. And I missed the feeling I got from talking to someone new. With Paul I forget that I am a good looking and fun guy. I forget that I am someone that other guys want to be with. I forget that I am who I really am.
Instead, I live day to day being angry and hurt and lonely.

When is enough, enough?

WELL!

HAPPY ST. PADDY’S EVERYONE! and also HAPPY PURIM!

You know, I was going to bail out of drinking beer today because I felt as though I had been drinking enough lately and I want to try and tone it down a bit. But then I came to work and had a pretty great day and the weather is unbelievably enticing and beautiful and now I am going to have drinks as soon as I get out of here. Nice one Joe. Way to stick by any sort of resolution. But YUM! Green beer!

Had a wonderful weekend. Friday night went out with the girls to lesbo city. Joanna came over beforehand and brought me a wonderful card that she had written along with a new plant for my bedroom! My old plant, Conrad, was VERY excited to have a girlfriend. This new plant’s name is Frida Callow. Or whatever her name is. You know, the woman with the unibrow. Yeah. Conrad and Frita are happily in love.

Stayed up late talking to Kelly again and was up by 3pm on Saturday to get ready for my night out at Ari’s b-day party. Was supposed to hang with Paul’s family this weekend, but after running into them Friday night, decided against it. They were nothing short of weird with me and gave me dirty looks and made it almost impossible for me to be around them. I mean, SORRY family, but Paul is GAY and I am his GAY BOYFRIEND and we do GAY sex together (well, not for the last two months, but still…) and GAY GAY GAY. It took all I had not to scream these things in their faces. They were BLECH. And if it weren’t for Mariah and Joanna, they would have ruined my night. Thank God for friends.

Saturday night I went to Ari’s party ALONE. I never go anywhere alone, but decided that her get together was more important than my irrational fears of having to fend for myself. So I went. When I walked through the door and realized that I really knew no one, I told myself that I would be out of there in 5 minutes flat. As I sipped on my first drink, I decided to give the night a shot. See if I could survive more than one drink. Turns out, I survived 4 drinks and had a pretty great time. I talked a great deal with Ari’s old-time friend Fran and her husband. I was able to get to know them a LOT better and I was very happy about that. Ari has hung out with my friends on numerous occasions and I felt like Saturday night was my turn. I talked to FISH, I talked to K (don’t want to give her real name, but don’t know her online name), and I exchanged “hello’s and good-byes” with Doug. It was a very successful evening and I felt so PROUD of myself after it was all over. I went there “stag” and came out of it feeling confident and empowered. GREAT night.

Yesterday, I went to lunch with Kelly’s family and had a beautiful time. They love her so much and it was nice to be around “family” for the afternoon. Turns out, Kelly’s father lost his keys in the cab and he and Kelly’s mom had to wait 8 hours on the corner of 46th and 6th for a new key to be made. Oops. It was really upsetting to have to see them wait for so long, but it didn’t stop Kelly and I from going to see the new movie, “Willard”!

WHICH BY THE WAY…I LOVED!

It wasn’t cheesy and it definitely was directed well. There is one scene in the movie that involves a cat and the song “Ben” by Michael Jackson and I loved it so much that I have told every single person about it, in great detail, since I have woken up this morning. My god, I might have to buy the DVD of this movie. Don’t judge me. I watch “good” movies too. But being someone who has always had a weakness for “scary b-movies”, I just LOVED this one. And it was better than most. Very cleverly done.

I am ONE chapter away from finishing The Manhattan Hunt Club and once again I am riveted! Will Joe escape the subway hunt? Will they cut off his dick and put titties on him? Will the rats and cockroaches eat him alive once he has been shot and killed? SO EXCITED TO FINISH THIS BOOK.

I will always love you Willard.

The shirt I am wearing today smells so fiercely like cum, I don’t know what to do about it. Obviously I didn’t bathe in real cum this morning. I think it’s just that the Russian lady that cleaned my clothes used too much detergent, but I reek of a blown load and it’s making me gag. I truly hope that everyone at the bar I am headed to thinks I smell like cum. Straight guys LOVE other guys that smell like cum.

SO!

I have been researching very heavily, the different places for Paul and I to take our vacation this summer.
I think I have narrowed it down to the Bahamas. UM! I MEAN!?!?!? We are once again using my parents time-share and I find out today that they have “shares” all over the world. I checked out Hungary and Singapore and decided that now is not the time to visit these countries.
Truth is, I have never been out of the USA. EVER. In fact, the only states I HAVE been in are Massachusetts, Vermont, Florida, California and Virginia. I don’t go on vacation ever and last year I was cautious about taking a whole week away with Paul. So we went to Orlando and I ran around Disney with gayness coursing through my veins. This year, I really think we are going to end up in the fucking Bahamas! I am so excited I could shit.
Oh no, that’s the pizza I had for lunch brewing. I will definitely keep you posted as to these plans.

FUCKING YAY!

Alright, I really do gotta shit myself. So see you tomorrow. And will someone PLEASE remind me to clean off the jizz from my shirt before I put it on?
DAYIM!

Jeannie Dreama has guessed the correct Broadway show from yesterday’s entry. It was Brigadoon! I know that I can always count on my Dreama to know her Broadway trivia. Good job sweets! You should be expecting a little prize very very soon!

HAPPY MOTHA FUCKING FRIDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Finally. I can’t say that this week dragged, but it definitely wasn’t smooth sailing. Usually I have like no plans for the weekend and I get excited to lay around and sleep the whole time. But this weekend it is completely the opposite. I have something to do at every moment of the weekend with the exception of tomorrow afternoon. That will be the time when I catch up on my MTV marathons and any left over jerk off sessions that I haven’t yet completed. But by the end of tonight, I will surely be relieving some THAT pressure. HEH! HEH BY MYSELF RELIEVING IT! heh. oh.

Last night I had a wonderful talk with my parents. I told them how the ghetto lady at the haircut place made me bald and ugly. They laughed over and over as I regaled them with tails of my big fat head. They were very cute on the phone and I had an excellent time chatting it up. They are doing very well and I miss them a great deal. Kelly’s family is coming down on Sunday and we are all going to brunch. In a way it’s like having my family come too. I mean, we have been friends for so long, it feels like that. So at least I will get some dosage of family before I have to return to work on Monday.

After I talked to my parents, I called Rita.

Since the move, Rita and I have been struggling to find some sort of middle ground with our friendship. The last two weeks before she left were very difficult on both of us. In a lot of ways, it was like a husband and wife getting a divorce much before it was time to do so. Neither one of us wanted to confront what was happening and after we had moved, the separation anxiety became incredibly hard to bear. bear? bare? bear. (growl!) Up until last night, I had only spoken to her once in the last two weeks. We exchanged some pretty vicious emails this week and yesterday morning I was convinced that she and I were headed for some big troubles.

When she answered her phone last night, it took all I had not to burst into tears of joy. Just hearing her voice made me immediately melt. She wasn’t angry with me at all and I wasn’t accusing her of leaving me behind anymore. The conversation began easy and over the next hour and a half we sat focused only on eachother. I told her everything that came into my mind, but of course got off the phone thinking of at least 5 more things I should have mentioned. We discussed the details of the move and then talked about how each of us felt about towards the other person. It was a beautiful conversation filled with honesty, confidentiality, and love. I knew we had to get off the phone after the hour and a half mark, but I could have stayed on talking to her for the rest of the night. I miss her deeply. But for the first time since I said good-bye to her, I felt somewhat excited about the new friendship we were going to start developing.
Love you Reets.

AND SHE’S ENGAGED!! WOOO HOOOO!! YEAH! (GIRLY SCREAMS) (CRYS OF JOY) (REACTIONS BETTER THAN SHE HAS PREVIOUSLY RECEIVED)

To me, it’s the biggest wedding I will ever be a part of. So weird that last November I went to my FIRST wedding and it was Rita’s sister, Jeannie’s. Now next spring (tentatively scheduled) I will be going to my biggest wedding and it will be Rita’s. Do you see how that’s weird? Do you? Let it go then and stop blaming me for your ignorance.

AND, to top it off…it will be a wedding that Paul will accompany me too. Or if not him, some hot gay stud of my choosing. OH damn its going to be fun. And filled with so many tears. And time to change the subject!!

I watched ER last night and was reminded how much I missed this show. But it made me quite upset. There was one scene that involved an “eyeball” and it made me actually have to turn away from the TV in horror. I think I almost vomited right on my turkey sandwich. Cuz that’s what I had for dinner. A sad ass turkey sandwich. And the turkey was slimy. And Kelly…I have decided that I hate real mayonnaise. You can have it. (When I went to the store to get our apartment some condiments, Kelly put in a request for Real Mayo as opposed to “Miracle Whip”. I bought the Hellman’s brand and when I took my first bite the other night, I about spewed chunks all over the kitchen. That shit is so fucking nasty, I don’t even know how anyone could put it in there mouth. And remember, I am used to having jizz go in my mouth.) In any case, Kelly, finish the Hell’s Man’s cuz I gotta get me some of the fake shit.

So member how I mentioned that I was reading the book The Manhattan Hunt Club? And how there are scenes in it where one of the guys kills his best friend and girl friend and puts the girls tits on the guys chest and fucks him? And how I love it?!?! (hahaha) WELL! I am almost done with the book because I simply cannot put it down. But I have had a couple powerful realizations throughout the journey of this book. FIRST and most shockingly to me, this morning I was reading a chapter about the guy that does the titty cutting. The guy (Jagger) is 6 ft 5 and 280# of muscle. So, besides the fact that he is a psycho murderer, I think he sounds like the hottest man on the planet. The book is not about his sexual fetishes, but it is a wonderful sub-plot. Well, this big monster of a man, er, I mean…stud, is stuck in the subway with the lead character of the book, Joe (my name!). Joe is a straight man, but Jagger is falling madly in love with him. Now, the reader knows that Jagger is a scary sexually perverse killer, but in my interpretation of the book, when Joe wakes up and finds that Jagger has his big arms around him, I sport a boner. I get very excited when Jagger starts really coming on to Joe. Protecting him and staring provocatively at him. Well, I realized THIS MORNING (and 50 pages until the end) that Jagger wanting to sex Joe up is supposed to be terrifying and suspenseful. But because I am a gay man reading this book, I have totally missed out on the fear of this relationship, and have even imagined that I am Joe and Jagger has his big body nestled up to my little body. When I realized what I was doing, I sat on the subway shifting my eyes back and forth all guilty like. IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT I LIKE BIG MEN! WHETHER OR NOT THEY WANT TO CHOP OFF MY PENIS AND STICK TITTIES ON ME! So the book isn’t as scary because I want to make love to Jagger.
Great.

The other thing I realized is that the book totally blows. I am getting too old or something, and I’m not enjoying readying books about titties being cut off and meals made of rats and slime. So what am I asking is that if you know of a good book that I should read, please hit me up with some suggestions. I am looking specifically for two different genres of books.
1) I would LOVE to read a GOOD gay book. A love story that involves two gay men. One of which is a bodybuilder. Simple enough, eh?
2) Would love to read a book that is dynamic, emotional, and powerful. Doesn’t matter the type of book it is, just that it’s not too difficult of a read. Not that I am ignorant or uneducated, I just don’t want to read a book that is going to force me to exert any unnecessary energy. I think you get what I am saying.

SO please send me your suggestions! I am thinking that my next book will be The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. Rita has been trying to get me to read it for awhile and Kelly has a copy of it. So that will most likely be my next read. But as we know, the book is not about a bodybuilder, so….

I guess that’s it. I drank four mini-boxes of Yoo-Hoo this morning and now my stomach feels as though it might explode with Vitamin D vomit. What was I thinking as I continued to shove the straw down into each box? Blech. Done with that beverage for at least a couple days.

Have great weekends everyone. I forgot to buy the phone cords I needed to hook up my internet last night. Will NOT forget to do so today. If it all works out, I will definitely pop over the next couple of days.

Latas skatas.

What a day this has been, what a rare mood I’m in…why it’s (BUM BUM) ALMOST LIKE BEING IN LOVE!!!!!!!!

Name that show and win a prize.

After staring at my hair in my computer rear view mirrors for the second day in a row, I decided that it was high time I got my ass to a barber. Well, not a barber so much as SUPERCUTS right down the street. I told the stylist what I ALWAYS ask for, “I want a 1” blade on the sides and take about a quarter of an inch off the top”. While she buzzed my hair down to the root, she talked my ear off about how she put some woman in the hospital because “this bitch was messing with her man”. Hmm…I should have known then that this was going to be a shit haircut. As she proceeded to chop my life away, she kept saying “uh-huh, this look fly”, “so fly man”, “You lookin fuh fuh fuh flyyyyyyyyyyyy”. I wiped my tears and put my jacket on. (By the way, those tears were figurative)
Because she told me her entire life story while she cut my hair, I felt compelled to tip her more than I would have. I mean, shitty haircut = shitty tip. But nope. Not if it’s Joe CuttheShit. I’m such a stupid asshole. As though I have the money to be paying people to do bad things to my body. And just for the record, my hair is NOT fly. It’s gone. That’s all. GONE.

In other news, Paul and I had an INCREDIBLE date last night. From the minute I showed up at his apartment, he was cute and adorable and sweet. Unfortunately, he rolled his ankle on Tuesday night and his entire right leg seems about two sizes too big. He is in massive pain and I got to play nurse all night. Well, nurse without the sexual touching. Although the night went extremely well, he still avoided sexual contact.

After we did his laundry, he took me to dinner at a restaurant called Dolphin. For appetizers, we had the fried calamari and avocado Caesar salad. Then we ordered some champagne. Then for dinner he had the stuffed lobster and I had the swordfish. It was biz-omb. We had some nice conversation and only argued once. After dinner we each ordered a slice of cheesecake and sat and talked some more. By the end of the meal, I felt like I was going to have to be rolled out of the restaurant and down the street. But instead, we just walked really slow; Paul complaining about the extra weight his fat hungry ass was giving his swollen ankle. It was pretty funny.

Once we got home, we watched some TV and I read some more of my book. We fell asleep in each other’s arms at around 12:30am. I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

HERE IS WHY WE FOUGHT:
Paul and I heavily discussed our tentative vacation for this summer. Although he was a COMPLETE prick about the vacation in Florida last summer, guess where he wants to go THIS summer? Fucking Florida. What an ass. I told him that I would like to go somewhere new, but he wants to go somewhere “tropical” and Florida or the Bahamas is all he could come up with. I am supposed to visit my gay uncles in California this summer too and if Paul decides against taking our vacation to California, then I will be making the trip with my mom instead. When Paul asked how I would afford both vacations, I informed him that my uncles will be paying for my plane fare and most of what I do once we get out there. He then informed me that we would go to California and split his plane fare between the two of us, since I was getting my ticket for free. After a short debate over his idea, I basically told him to go fuck himself and that I wasn’t paying a dime for his plane ticket at all.
“It’s not my fault that a) you have the money to pay for your ticket, when I don’t and b) that MY family is paying for MY ticket.”
Paul: “It’s only FAIR that we split the cost!!!”
“It’s not fair and it’s my family. Tough shit. I will never agree to that.”
Paul: “Then I’m not going to California at all. Case closed. WE’RE not going.”
“Fine with me. I want to go with my mom instead.” ASSHO-LEE-O-LEE-O-LEE-DOUCHE
(obviously this is the abridged version)

So unless he comes to grips with the fact that I get a free ticket and he doesn’t, we will not be going to California together. I don’t know. Paul and I have some major problems. And now I am starting to hate him again. Let’s drop this while I still have the fading memory of our wonderful evening together.

Tonight I am installing the internet on my computer. Our phone line is hooked up and we are ready to go! I am muchly excited and am counting down the minutes until I get released from jail (work). You understand.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ARI!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!

Was very excited to get a phone call from Joanna today. We made plans to go out tomorrow night. Mariah will be joining us later on. Turns out she has plans to go to a show beforehand. How Mariah always comes up with these mysterious “plans”, I will never know. But in any case, it gives Joanna and I a chance to get to know eachother better. And she will be accompanying me to Paul’s apartment so that I don’t have to hang out with just him and his family alone. YIPES. Getting a little nervous about it now that it’s approaching.

My head is in 13 places right now. I gotta get some shit done. But if I get my computer hooked up tonight, you may see an entry from me writing in my new Times Square bedroom! WHOO HOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Peace out.

I’ve done it!

I have given myself a “comment section” again. As most of you know, last time I did this, shit got way out of control and I pulled it immediately. So this time, I have resolved to do it a bit differently. Starting with not getting so personally involved with it. It’s great to have feedback, but I don’t want to have to sit and debate or defend anything I write. You understand. You always understand. That’s why you are the clit to my vagina.
Pulsing with erotic excitement.

Well things are finally starting to pick up.

It was very strange for me to go home after work last night, hang out there for a couple of hours, and then go out for a drink. Way back when I lived in Queens, it was impossible to go home, hang around, and then go out to a bar. Astoria is great and all, but it’s not the most convenient hole in the wall. I don’t miss the area at all. Well, except for when Rita and I would go grocery shopping on Friday afternoons and to Blockbuster. That was the fucking best. And also that we got to drive in a car once in awhile. That was great too. But then Rita left and so did her darling little Protégé. I miss that little bastid.

Mariah came over at 7pm and we talked and sang along with my CD’s until 8pm and then went to Paul’s bar. Let me tell you, we both had heart attacks when we walked through the front door. It is by FAR, the CLASSIEST place I have ever been in. The bar is located in this skyscraper that goes to heaven. It’s an office building mostly, and the bar is at the bottom of a long winding staircase. Mariah was in sweats. She was terrified of walking down the stairs. Everyone was staring at us as though we were the belles of the ball. I called out “Presenting Master Cuttheshit” and “Princess Mariah” as we walked in. A few people rolled their eyes and the rest ignored us completely.

Once we got to the bar and started downing free drinks (thanks to Paul’s overwhelmingly benevolent behavior), we started becoming a bit loud. Mariah starts with “Well Pa, these here drinks are purty good. I’d like another”. I respond with “Ma, would pass me over the pee-nuts? Haven’t had ma dinnuh yet”. All the while performing in our best Southern Droll. There were some looks and stares and that only made us want to be even more obnoxious. Mariah does some damn good impressions of people and she had me rolling on the floor with laughter.

Turns out that rich people not only eat peanuts and pretzels while sucking down their drinks, they eat hard-boiled eggs! Don’t ask me why, but supposedly that is like some high-class appetizer. Mariah and I each peeled our egg and swallowed it in like 2 bites. Paul walks over and sees that we have eggshell covering our spot at the bar. He laughs and wipes it away. Mariah and I make fun of the eggs for awhile and then realize that we are really making fun of ourselves because we can’t stop burping and farting sulfur. We are such trash, it’s ridiculous.

Paul was absolutely adorable in his little uniform and he seemed completely relaxed behind the bar. He introduced us to his fellow bartender, who I swear was Cheech Marin. When he introduced me, I was so impressed by him for referring to me as his boyfriend. I shook Cheech’s hand and said a casual “hello”. Cheech responds with “The minute I met Paul I asked him if he had a boyfriend”. In context, he said that meaning Paul was flaming.
My jaw hit the floor and I looked at him as though he was the most ignorant fuck on the planet. Sorry asshole, but you’re straight and straight people aren’t allowed to say stupid shit like that when they first meet a gay person. Especially when it’s Cheech Marin. And especially when Paul isn’t flaming at ALL! If Paul’s flaming, then my entire body and soul is charred with gay blackness. I don’t know where this guy was coming from. He was probably just nervous and that was the first thing that came out of his mouth. I don’t hold a grudge about it, but I will never be the Chong to his Cheech. Never.

Paul wanted me to stay over at his place, but I decided to go home instead. He spent the previous two nights in my bed and I was kind of excited to do my own thing. Meaning masturbate feverishly. Tonight we are going out on a date. It’s been a couple months since our last one. We are going out to dinner at some restaurant called “Valesco’s” in the East Village. I think that’s the name of it. But I don’t care either way. As long as Paul is paying, cuz I am busted broke until my next paycheck. If Paul doesn’t pay, we will make Success Rice and probably put some leftover chicken on it. Please let him be paying, please let him be paying. I could do with a night out to dinner with my boyfriend.

He has been absolutely perfect since our big blowup on Sunday. I mean, don’t let me count my chickens yet, cuz this is how it usually goes before he regresses back to the caveman boyfriend he really is. I am hoping this is it though. That he is really committed to making this relationship work now. And if not, I have already told him that I am serious about removing my stuff from his apartment. But then I went ahead and made him a copy of the keys to my place. Hee hee oops. But how do I play the role of Serious Sally and Loving Larry at the same time? I’m doing my best. I just pray he continues on the path he is currently heading on.
BTW…serious sally and loving larry?
Right.
Vomit.

How is it that I need a fucking haircut already. On my computer desk, I have these two mini-rear view mirrors that I use to watch out for people coming up behind me. You know, cuz I am a sneaky lying bitch. Well, instead of seeing the people behind me, I have been staring at my hideous hairstyle all morning. Let’s be honest, my hair looks like an asshole. And remind me again why I have to have Asian hair, when I am clearly not an Asian?

(Big Sigh)

This weekend has turned into utter craziness. I have more plans than I can handle! Member back in the day when I was crying about how lonely I was? Yeah, well now I am being pulled in about 37 different directions. No wait, 38 different directions. On Friday night, I am to hang out with Paul’s Aunt, cousin, and sister. (Remember?…the pseudo-lesbians) After that I am supposed to go out with Mariah to a lesbian bar so that I can get her some vagina. Sounds fun. On Saturday, I may be seeing a Broadway show with Paul’s family and then I am sure we will have dinner or something. I will be forced to sit there with a brain aching fake smile and it will be nothing but enduring annoying conversations; most of which will be conducted by his 28 year old know-it-all sister. I shouldn’t be such a prick about them, cuz they aren’t the most terrible people in the world. But his sister “Steph” just talks and talks and talks and if I offer a varying opinion on any subject, she looks me directly in the eye and says “No”.
It’s a lot of fun. Saturday night is Ari’s party! Now THAT I KNOW will be a blast.

On Sunday, I am currently scheduled to have brunch with both Paul and Kelly’s family. I have to let one of them down and I think it’s going to be Paul. It really depends on how the weekend goes and also on how upset he will be if I don’t go. After brunch, Kelly and I are going to try to see the movie “Willard”. I mean, what movie about a thousand rats crawling all over your body while Michael Jackson’s “Ben” plays in the background won’t be a hit?
Shit. I know! HUGE!

Alright, time for my soup and roll. I am reading this fantastic book right now called “The Manhattan Hunt Club”. It’s by John Saul, whom I love although he borders on absurd sometimes. In one scene of the book, this guy stabs his best friend and girl friend and then puts the girls tits on the guys chest. Then he fucks the guy. It’s all very normal. Really, I’m not a spikey-haired, Asian psycho.

Boof.

Busy day, busy day. Damn you busy day.

Does it ever slow down? Did I graduate college just to move to NYC to get a job at a better college then where I went? How does this happen? And why does it seem as though I will never escape from the clutches of academia? I don’t get it. Ah well…at least I get paid, right?
Sort of. Sort of right.

Have been a very good boy when it comes to that which I stick in my mouth. Ok, that came across in a completely different way than I meant it to. What I meant to say is: “I have been really good about the food I have been eating”. But I have also been good as to the cocks I have put in my mouth as well. Meaning…none. Paul still won’t hook up with me. Last night, although I had masturbated before he got to my house (had to alleviate the pressure somehow, you know?), I said: “Tonight’s the night. Get naked!” For the first time in a couple of months, he didn't immediately say “no”. Instead, he paused, thought about it for a minute and THEN said: “No”. We ARE GETTING SOMEWHERE AFTERALL! My plan is just to remain patient with him about it and to casually bring it up every day until I get me some action! Not that I’m not trying to help him figure this whole thing out. But I do miss it a lot more than I thought I would. I’m 25 years old and I want to be loved! Physically loved.

yawn.

We are having a birthday party for Ari in about 5 minutes, so I gotta make this quick today. Why is it that we have parties every 3 days?? Gah! Does anyone ever get any work done around here? Oh yeah. They don’t.

I had California Rolls today, in honor of Miss Rita. They weren’t very good and now my stomach is raging. Is it possible to buy BAD Cali rolls? They were so unappetizing, that when I got to the last one, I bit into it, gagged and spit it into the garbage. All the Wasabe in the world couldn’t make it better.

Tonight I am off to visit Paul at one of his jobs. I have yet to go get a drink at his bar, but he has been begging and begging for me to come. Tonight I drag Mariah with me for a drink or two. And they better be free, cuz I don’t think I could even afford the water in this place. It’s classy and snooty and why am I going there again?

Ari has planned her birthday party for this Saturday. WHOO HOO ROCK! It’s going to be weird to meet some of the fellow bloggers out there. For example, “A Girl Named Bob”. Is she a real live person? WEIRD! I have roped Mariah into going with me for a drink. It should be pretty convenient since we are going out with Paul’s family earlier in the evening. Cuz UM! Paul’s family wants to get to know me???? I thought they wanted all gay people dead! But Paul seems to think I will live through the night, so wish me luck! He is planning on taking them to a show on Saturday evening and if I behave myself, maybe he will buy my ticket too! Then I can see a Broadway show for free! Now THAT could be fun. And less talking amongst the gay boys and the family.

Although I SWEAR that his sister and his aunt are raging lesbians. I mean, both could defeat me in an arm wrestling match. EASILY. They are some tough looking bitches. But Paul swears that although they have dirty fingernails and can bench 450#, they are straight. Who knows.

Ok, the housekeeper just came over to me, tapping on her watch and informing me that it’s time for the party. I’m sorry, but can’t the housekeeper see that I am BUSY typing in my journal?!?! I mean, gosh!

Alright, now my annoying boss is up my ass. And he’s big. So I gotta go eat some shitty Entemann’s cake.

Adios and something more clever.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Okay, so the party is over. It actually was pretty painless. Ari and I hung out at her party for about 10 minutes and then spent the rest of the time hiding out smoking cigarettes. Now THAT’S what I call a party.

RITA…I sent over Michelle to buy the cakes and stuff for the party and on the UFM form, I wrote $30 thinking that that should be MORE than enough to buy a cake or two and some soda. Well, Michelle spent the entire $30 on 4 cakes, a basket of fruit, 3 gallons of soda, and the most expensive juice she could find. In fact, she spent $30.06 and says to me: “I was so close to the limit that I had to put in $.06 of my own money.
Oh Michelle. My bad. I should have explained better that we don’t throw $30 parties. Hee hee. Guess I won’t be getting that raise afterall.

Alright…aRdios!

Happy Monday!

Actually, for the first time in about 5 years, this Monday doesn’t suck. I feel rested. I feel content. And I don’t feel nearly as much anxiety as I have felt over the last week.

Friday night was random. Mariah was too hung over from Thursday to go back out on Friday, so Kelly and I went out with Paul’s roommates, Jen and Lisa. Member how I hated them with my every being? Well, of course, now I am friends with them. It’s been a couple weeks in the making, but I finally just stopped caring and then they wanted to be Besties. Who knows. Either way, I had a very good time talking to them and hanging out Friday night. Kelly got tired and we went home at around 2:30am, but then we ended up doing our weekend ritual of staying up until 5:30am talking our faces off. I had a nice time overall.

Saturday was the worst day of my life.
Ok, not really at all, but it was pretty horrible.

Paul was supposed to come over at 4:30pm to watch movies and maybe go out to dinner.
At 11:30pm that night, with still no word from Paul, I gave up and went to McDonalds for dinner. Unfortunately, my home phone is still not hooked up, so there was no way for him to reach me. Thank God we got cable on Friday afternoon, or my Saturday would have truly been a day spent in loneliness hell. (And by the way, our cable fucking rocks! We have like 130 channels of basic service and also this thing called “Videos on Demand”. I rented Men In Black 2 and XXX just by hitting a button on my remote control. It cost me $3.95 each and I had the movies for 24 hours! I saw Men In Black twice! Its $50 a month and I am in pig shit cable lovin heaven) I fell asleep Saturday night wondering where the fuck Paul had gone. Why didn’t he show up? And also, why is this the 3rd time in a week that he stood me up?

Sunday afternoon, Paul calls me on Kelly’s cell phone and I talk to him.

Me: “Hi. What happened last night?”
Paul: “I ended up taking an extra shift at work and didn’t have time to call.”
Me: “Paul, this is the 3rd time this week that I have waited around at my apartment for you. And this is the 3rd time that you haven’t shown up. Or even called.”
Paul: “SORRY JOE! But you know I gotta work.”

At this point, I completely lose my shit. I am talking screaming at the top of my lungs losing my shit. Our conversation lasted about 10 minutes, during all of which I was vein poppingly yelling in his face. Eventually I hung up on him, because the frustration was just too much too bear. He called back about a half-hour later.

During this phone conversation, I broke up with him. I told him never to call me again and that I was going over to his place while he was at work to get all of my shit. As far as I was concerned, this kid shit on me for the last time. He got very upset and I could hear his voice cracking with tears. I had no sympathy. I felt so hurt by him.

He never wants to see me. He chooses work over me EVERY time. He hasn’t kissed me or made love to me in over a month and a half. He wasn’t around at all before my move to Times Square and still hasn’t been around since I have moved in. He stands me up every time we have plans. And to top it all off…he still doesn’t treat me with any sort of kindness or respect.

I had had enough.

I hung up on him again.

Kelly and I then went grocery shopping in Union Square. I hadn’t gone yet and I really needed to get out of the house and do something productive. At that point, I had been lying in my bed for over 24 hours. During our trip to the store, Kelly and I talked over the fights that I had with Paul. I was still very angry and hurt and had an incredibly difficult time trying to vocalize the way I was feeling. Kelly was patient with me and allowed me to vent the way that I needed to vent.

Upon returning from the grocery store, Kelly made us a wonderful dinner. We had fish and pasta and I tried Brussels Sprouts for the first time in my life. I loved the first two I had and after that, they became too much to bear. But the dinner was eggselent and I thoroughly enjoyed our first sit down dinner in our new apartment.

While we were eating, I got a chance to think about the situation with Paul with more of a clear mind.

I called him right before I went to bed and said: “If you still want to come over tonight, you can.” CLICK

At 11pm, Paul came into my bedroom.

Seeing his face made my heart instantly melt. He sat down on the bed and he and I just stared at eachother while he ate his store bought mash potatoes and seafood salad. When he was done eating, I said:
“Well, what do you have to say for yourself?”

Paul went on and on about how he knows he needs to put in more of an effort. He promised (yet again) to work on the things that he needs to work on. Against my better judgement, I have given him another shot at being a boyfriend. When I asked him about the “lovemaking” he said that he “is just not emotionally ready to dive back into it just yet.” Without completely exposing his personal life, let me just say that I know what he is referring to and as long as he is open and honest with me, I can accept his need to push off the intimacy of our relationship. I mean, I’m in no rush anyway. It would just be nice to be kissed once in a while. We’ll see…

He and I had a wonderful evening together (as we usually do when he actually shows up) and went to sleep at 2am. We held eachother all night long and when I woke up this morning, I had my cigarette staring at his adorable little face. How is it possible that I can hate and love someone so intensely?

I just want things to be good.

Today is Mariah’s birthday. WHOO HOO! Happy Birthday RYE! Tentatively having dinner with her family and friends tonight, but I haven’t heard from her all day, so who knows if that will go through. If not, Paul and I are planning something for her for later in the week.

Ari’s birthday is on Thursday. As soon as she figures out what she is doing, I will figure out if I can go! She is looking at this place called “The Remote Lounge” or something like that. I checked out their website and was horribly impressed by the joint. They have cameras all around the bar that take pictures at random times throughout the evening. Then you can send the pictures through their website to your friends. It’s fucking cool. I am rooting for her to pick that place. But wherever she chooses, I will be happy if it’s affordable and full of vodka tonics.
You know how it goes.

And that’s it, I guess. Paul is staying over again tonight, but of course working until 11pm. He and I are so overdue for a real date night. But with him working two jobs, the chance of that happening any time in the near future seems incredibly unlikely.

OH BTW…haven’t been smoking the pot in over 3 days. I do feel much more awake and clear-headed. Also, I am in a strangely good mood today and wonder if that’s related. Who knows. My goal is not to buy another bag until Friday. Let’s see if I can make that happen.

Tonight is my first day of working out after work too. Let’s see if I can make that happen as well.

Ah geez. Can I just have the perfect body now please?

Please?

Please?

Cheese?

Yum.

Omigod what have I done to myself?

HORK.

What was supposed to be a casual night out at the bars…
What was supposed to be an easy beginning to Mariah’s big birthday celebration tonight…
What was supposed to be an hour or two at a local lesbian bar…

HORK.

I sit here at my desk and wonder how the fuck I woke up with blood dried all over my arm. I look down at my leg and wonder how there is dried pizza sauce all over the pair of jeans I am wearing. My stomach churns and burns and I am stuck somewhere between vomiting all over my desk and shitting out everything thing that went down my gullet in the past 12 hours.

Mariah got to my house last night at around 7pm. We drank some beers, talked for a couple hours, and got to Paul’s apartment at 9:30pm. From that point on, shit was crazy. Mariah, Lisa, Jen, Paul, and myself sat around and talked some more before we were to head out to the “Meow Mix”. Fucking purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. At one point during our “pre-gaming”, I burst into tears AGAIN. Can I have a day WITHOUT crying? I mean, I am rapidly turning into the biggest fucking baby on the planet. Nobody wants Joe around cuz you know that tears are sure to follow. My friends are being amazing about everything. Never making me feel as though my emotions are too much for them to handle. Last night I didn’t feel nearly as alone as I have felt over the last week.

We arrived at Meow Mix at 11pm and that is when things start to get a little fuzzy. You know, although I have been known to drink on a semi-regular basis, I am always in control, and maintain an appropriate level of drunkenness. But last night, as the vodka tonics came and went faster than I could breathe, I found myself experiencing this new level of wasted asshole. Let’s see…Here is a recap of what I do remember of the evening:

*I didn’t spend that much money. Paul spent about $250. The kid just buys drinks. He doesn’t even ask if anyone needs them. Kelly showed up at “Meows” with her friend Stephanie and this other guy named Evan. (Evan was pretty cool, although I don’t actually remember talking to him at any point. And now as I type this I remember him bumming a cigarette from me while I was being stalked by the only gay old man in the bar. Ok, weird that I remember that.) So, as I was saying, I noticed Paul was buying a drink and I went over to give him money for mine. I realized that he had purchased 8 drinks. There weren’t even 8 people with us. So yeah, Paul just buys all the vodka in the place, thinking that people are just going to stand around holding 3 drinks and dancing. No wonder we all ended up so out of our minds.

*Mariah fell down on the ground hard and Kelly rescued her in the knick of time. But not before completely ruining a new pair of pants she had gotten earlier in the day.

*Paul and I go to “Ray’s Pizza” and buy food for everyone, cuz we left the bar earlier then everyone else. I think we spent like $30 on food. Then we get home and I smoke a bowl and realize that I am hella fucked up and Paul and I sit and debate our relationship for an hour. At some point, the meatball that I was eating rolled down my leg and out the kitchen door. I must have laughed and walked on past it cuz this morning I found sauce on my jeans and a trail of dried sauce in a perfect line coming out of the kitchen. Yet, there was no meatball at the end of the trail. Did I pick it up and finish eating it? Probably. I’ve been known to do worse.

*The music at the bar was from 1993 and included such hits as “Are you down with OPP?” and “Humpty Dance”. I liked it for the most part, but then I hated it. yeah. yeah that’s exactly how I felt about it.

*I took Paul’s keys from him cuz I thought he would lose them. Then we get out of the cab in front of his apartment and he can’t find his keys. And I start bitching at him about how I should have taken the keys when I had the chance. I buzz his house buzzer for like twenty minutes and his roommate Lisa finally crawls out of bed and lets us in. Once upstairs, and after apologizing to Lisa, I take off my jacket and empty my pockets and the keys fall out onto the floor. I felt incredibly sheepish.

*Somehow I scraped my knuckles against the side of a wall and decided that it was perfectly normal to let it bleed all night long and all over my entire arm. Imagine my horror when I woke up this morning and saw blood everywhere. After scrubbing and cleaning myself, sure that I was to find a HUGE gash somewhere on my arm, I realized that all of the blood came out of three tiny knicks on my knuckles. Lame. It could have been a great story about mangling my body, but instead it’s puss story about knicks and shit.

*The alarm went off at 8:50am and I screamed to Paul: “Why would you set the alarm? Turn it off!” Paul snoozes once and 7 minutes later the alarm goes off again. “Turn off the alarm! It’s fucking SATURDAY!!” “No Joe, it’s Friday and you have to be to work in an hour.” “What?” “WHAT?” “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!” Two rounds of intense diarrhea immediately follow.

And that’s pretty much it. I had an enormous amount of fun. But boy am I paying for it today. I called Mariah as soon as I got to work to make sure that she was doing ok. Today is her second day at her new job and when she called me back she sounded in MUCH worse shape than me. Mariah’s new job is as a nanny for a 10-week-old baby. For the last two days, the mother of the child has stayed home to make sure that Mariah is comfortable with the apartment and with the baby. Yet, Mariah keeps calling me from the bathroom, saying that the lady is driving her crazy and won’t leave her alone with the baby ever. I picture her standing in the closet with the water running, sneaking phone calls to me. It makes me die laughing to picture her at work, hung over like fuck, and hiding out in the bathroom every 20 minutes or so to call and complain about her new job.

This afternoon, Paul and I are taking a LONG nap together and having a grease-filled lunch. Then we will get ready to go out again! Ugh. Wish I could have a day off in between all this partying, but that is just impossible at this point. Paul has proclaimed that he will only be drinking juice. I have proclaimed that I will only be drinking vodka and juice. Oh Joe. Calm yourself a bit. I must have a wish to spend the rest of the weekend sitting on the toilet.
I can tell you this though…no more meatballs at 4:30 in the morning.

Alright. Hopefully will have a phone and cable hooked up by today. YAY. fucking yay.

SHABBAT SHALOM!

********Just got off the phone with Kelly. No phone until next Wednesday. Shit fuck. That’s irritating. They decided to give us a month and a half free service though, cuz they have screwed up this installation process like 3 times. So that’s cool. But no phone or internet at my house until next week. The cable better still come today though. Cuz really…I am about ready to kill the WB channel. Buffy and Dawson are quickly becoming my archenemies. I fucking hated them to begin with and now I am forced to watch that or the incredibly unintelligent Gilmore Girls.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Oh sorry. Even writing the name “Gilmore Girls” puts me right to sleep.

Hasta la pasta.

Snort.